A Bend in the River
“I would love to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.” ~John O’Donahue
This blog is later and longer than usual because life lately has taken quite a turn.
Four months ago, I became separated after more than two decades of marriage. It has been quite a journey, both arriving here and navigating since: myriad emotions and challenging realities to traverse, like money and facing (late) mid-life solo, when I thought/imagined/hoped/planned on being with someone. And, as Fate would have it, this significant change of course happened at a time when work has, to put it decorously, not been exactly robust. It’s huge.
Now, this all coincides with my second Saturn return, which, if you are not aware, is a real thing. Saturn returns are a sort of spiritual boot camp. They occur roughly every 29.5 years and are characterized by pivotal personal change and transformation which, translated, means a lot of painful, difficult sh*# happens. But, as we all know, sh*# makes good fertilizer. Saturn returns ask us to grow, to claim our inner authority, and to become more of who we truly are.
In my first Saturn return, I extricated myself from a toxic, abusive relationship while putting myself through graduate school, losing my apartment, and having my car stolen. It sucked, top to bottom, but it also evoked my strength, courage, ability, and resilience. I got behind myself. I turned and faced my fears, doubled down on completing graduate school, and came out the other side a therapist. That journey was like embarking on a Class V white water adventure with no prior experience. I got flipped over, bashed against the rocks, and thought I might drown; but I made it through, dragged myself up on the shore where I lay, soaked and dazed—but alive. That’s a Saturn return.
This time around, I am older, wiser, and more aware. I knew I was entering the rapids and I made the conscious choice (after a big breath and an “oh shi#”) to do it as fearlessly as possible. Once again, a relationship shifted and, strangely, once again I am embarking on a new work adventure: one that appeared seemingly out of nowhere, stood right in front of me and said, “Well?” to which I replied, “Yes,” because when things show up as a really weird answer to prayer, you say yes.
And so … I am now working with the trailblazing people at Satya Therapeutics who are bringing psilocybin treatment to people suffering with crippling PTSD, treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, and addiction.
Could I EVER have imagined working in the field of psychedelics, navigating commercial real estate, planning departments, building codes, and exploring psychoneurobiology? Please. Yet here I am, and the surprising thing is that I am enjoying it, the stress of complete inexperience notwithstanding. Mostly, I am grateful for the opportunity — massively grateful. I love that it is expanding me. I love that it has the potential to bring greater ease to my life. And I especially love that it has the potential for helping thousands of people for whom this treatment is a last hope.
This is all new territory, but then again, not. I’ve been on the river before, just a different stretch of it. This time around, it’s not as unnerving. I feel myself rising to the occasion and staying more grounded, even with all the unknowns. It’s pretty cool to see that there’s still room for growth and discovery at this stage in my life.
And admittedly, along with the growth comes the grief. I am grieving the life I imagined I’d have, the one I wanted. My heart feels bruised. Some days I cry. Some days I curl up in a blanket and molt. But this time around, I know about grief. I know to allow it. And these hard days notwithstanding, I am moving with the current.
The difficulty and the discovery in this stretch of the river are keeping me more present tense in my life, which is a very good thing. It is a discipline (Saturn’s key trait and demand) to stay positive, stay focused, and to do things out of my comfort zone.
Change and transformation are challenging. Growth is, at turns, scary, difficult and exhausting, but there are also wonderful moments of exhilaration. It’s the whitewater of life. Flowing peacefully is always delightful (lazy river with a cocktail? Yes, please!) but the rapids are what evoke the fullness of our capacities.
I have no idea where I’m headed; I’m just going with this flow. You can’t fight the river; you just have to find a way to move as deftly as possible with it and see where it takes you. One thing I do know for sure: I’d rather be fully engaged — heart pounding, navigating rocks and rapids — than sitting on the shore watching life go by.
KATE INGRAM, MA, CSBC, is a life-transitions coach, counselor, award-winning author and (now) business consultant. Find out more at kintsugicoaching.com , satyatherapeutics.com, or write kate@kintsugicoaching.com.
