The End is the Beginning
“Let go or be dragged.” ~ Zen saying
One of the long-term consequences of experiencing significant, unmediated loss early in life is a basic distrust of the Universe. It’s a distrust that for me manifested as a tendency to cling to the good things and also as a terrible awareness that those good things could (and would) go away. Historically, it led to a perpetual state of waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop: an expectation and dread of the loss to come.
It’s a sucky way to live.
Thanks to a few decades of personal work, I’m happy to say that I have a different perspective on the Universe these days. I know that sh&% happens, and I also know that great things happen. It all happens. To everyone. All the time. So it’s really about telling yourself the truth, being with yourself, and breathing. It’s about being grateful and appreciative of the joyful times, and being brave and kind to yourself in the challenging times. It’s about acceptance and flow.
This year has been a year of endings for me, and the end of a very long chapter of my life. My roles as partner and full-time mother have come to a close, and I have a distinct sense that my professional identity is also changing. Something new wants to happen; I just don’t know exactly what that is yet.
The ending of a time I have largely loved and the not knowing what’s next is hard, I admit. There are moments of excitement, but also many moments of fear. It pokes that tender place of loss and doubt. Knowing that everything has its natural ending point doesn’t make it any easier.
It’s hard to let go of people that you love. It’s hard to let go of a sense of place, of familiarity and comfort, even when you know it’s time. It’s hard to let go of an identity that you’ve worn for decades. It’s hard to let go of the behaviors you created way back at the beginning, to protect yourself. Most especially, it can be really hard to absolutely trust and know that something new will come once you let go of what needs to move on.
The fear and distrust is persistent. It shouts, “What if nothing new comes? What if I lose everything?” But deep down, underneath the fear, I know that there is always something in the wings. I know that Life continues to happen; it doesn’t just stop. I know that every ending is also a beginning. I know from experience that, when I take that deep breath and really let go, good things have always happened, even when it was mixed with some really tough stuff.
I’m reminding myself of all these things every day lately. Because it’s time to let go … and it’s hard, because I don’t know what’s next for me. I can’t yet see those new beginnings. So all I can do, all any of us can do, is face the fear, acknowledge the feelings, breathe them in and out, and then bravely decide not to be dragged into the future; decide to trust the Universe, get compassionately behind myself, and then … let go and flow.
Easier said than done, no doubt. But that’s the work. Because it’s not really about letting go of a marriage, or a role, or a job: it’s about letting go of the deep down fear, the deep down story. It’s about recognizing the original wound, recognizing the ways you buttress yourself against that pain, and saying, “No more of that fear. No more defending against it. It’s okay. I’m okay. I’ve got myself. I love myself. I’m here for myself.” It’s about having your feelings but not allowing your feelings to have you.
And then remembering: Every ending is also a beginning.
Big breath in and … let it go.
